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If there's one thing every lady like me loves to hear about, it is other people's opinions and views on her family situation and infertility problems! And some of the comments I have received from people are downright disrespectful!
I am literally in tears right now. The last time I was at the OBGYN, the doctor looked up at me and told me:
"You know, you don't have to give birth to be a parent. You can always adopt."
I told her I knew that, but in the back of my mind I thought:
'This isn't what I came here for, to be told this!'
It really is a sad thing to hear from a doctor. I hope that my situation isn't as hopeless as she made it to be. I wanted to give Rich the family he's always wanted. He doesn't have a loving family that values him. They are all cold-shouldered and uncaring. It hurts so much to see that, and he deserves better than that. I thought, maybe I can give him a family that will love him. Now my heart is broken because I don't know if that is even possible now. After what I've gone through, it would nearly kill me to have one, even if I could.
I know that what matters is that we love each other. But sometimes, I wish God would take me out of the picture and give him someone else who can give him a family. I care more about his happiness. I know that may sound foolish, but this is how I honestly feel. My heart is broken for him, and I wish I could give him that joy of a family that he truly deserves.
To top that, #MothersDay has always been a very sad day for me. I always wondered what it was like to be a mother.
Why has it never happened for me?
Literally how I feel right now. Oh well... You can't always get what you want. But that's life, right?
I'll be a little more blunt about this. I haven't ever had any children, nor have I ever been able to. I want to be a mother. That is what I told my kindergarten teacher when she asked me: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A mommy like my mommy". I did the right thing. I was traditional. Never went out and partied, did drugs, messed around, did stupid things. I waited until I got married before pursuing children. Then this happens?? It's difficult to understand. Why does this happen for people who don't deserve kids? That either abuse them or kill them in the womb? Why would God give a baby to someone who is going to kill it anyway when I am here begging for one?? It gets pretty discouraging when you don't see it happen for you when you see that it is happening for everyone else around you. Often times I've asked myself why? Then I hear people tell me:
"In God's time"
"Trust God."
"How long did Sarah and Abraham wait?"
"Have you no faith?"
"What if that's not God's will for your life? What if he wants you to do something else?"
Frustrating! It's not that I don't have faith. But when you personally experience these things, you can't help but to question: "Will it ever happen for me? Will I ever overcome the issues that I am facing in my life?" And for those of you who haven't ever experienced this in your life but try to give me advice on how to deal with this, how can you truly relate? The question is, will he do it for me? "Just keep believing," they say. Just keep believing, even when reality begins to set in and you realize.... it's not happening?!
Maybe I've been in the dark about this for so long I haven't spoken about it in a while. I don't want to wait until I'm 40-years-old to have my one and only child. I would have liked to be a mother and a grandmother by then. But... God's will. I guess I'll have to lay mine down.
Motherhood would be a dream come true for me. Nevertheless, it is still heart-wrenching to me that I could not be blessed with such a wonderful gift that others are destroying! I'll never be able to understand!
And in the midst of trying to move on from this pain, we've also got some other people who are ready to give you their two cents (and talk down to you) as if it's your fault you can't have kids. As if this was something you've chosen for yourself.
If there's one thing every lady like me loves to hear about, it is other people's opinions and views on her family situation and infertility problems! And some of the comments I have received from people are downright disrespectful!
Here are a few of the things you should never say to someone struggling with infertility: please take notes.
1. ((There are so many kids out there who need good homes.))
For years I have seen mothers be blessed with their babies, and all the while having that dream completely ripped away from me. So now I have concluded that I may have my family through adoption. It may well at least ease the pain knowing I have a special little someone who calls me mom, right? Wrong! Adoption should never be used to fill that void for me, but to give a child a loving home and to give them what they need. It is supposed to be all about them, not about my pain. So I've got to get over these feelings before I ever open up my home to a child. It's difficult to get past this. And I will have to get past those feelings to move on to adoption because social workers do take that into consideration if they think you are still grieving for the biological children that you didn't have.
2. ((Just relax!))
Advice to âjust relaxâ is thrown around so often. Hey, guess what: Relaxing is not going to fix ovarian dysfunctions. Comments such as this can create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
People that can have children easily will never understand what itâs like to not be able to get pregnant easily.
3. ((Have you tried this supplement/diet/essential oil?))
I know you want to be helpful, but trust me, weâve tried it allâor at least have researched all of our options extensively. I understand if you have found success (or merely heard about it from your second cousinâs wifeâs friend), you want to share that knowledge. What you donât realize, is that when you do this, youâre insinuating that my infertility is my fault. Weâll leave the troubleshooting to our doctors, thanks.
4. ((You can have my kids!))
Just, no. Besides, Iâve seen your kids. You can keep them.
5. ((Are you sure you want kids?))
No, weâre actually going through multiple daily injections and pushing ourselves to our emotional and financial limits because it keeps life exciting. (And no, I still donât want your kids.)
6. ((At least you have one!))
For those who are suffering from secondary infertility, as I had a friend who suffered from it: Donât question their sadness about being unable to conceive a second child. Having one child does not mean a couple feels they have completed their family. Also, a couple may have had their first child naturally and easily but are now experiencing secondary infertility â infertility that comes after youâve already had a child.
7. ((No kids? You must be going out and partying every night.))
Tell me, you must be joking right? The party life? Me? Nah! I'd give anything in this world to have my babies. I like to spend time on more important things that actually have meaning and purpose. I've got goals and dreams I would like to accomplish before I die.
8. ((It could be worse. You could have cancer.))
Many people donât understand that infertility is a disease. Could you imagine telling someone with cancer, âWell, it could be a worse cancer!â I donât say that to people because I'm not downright cruel. So why is it okay to downplay the physical and emotional pain of infertility?
9. ((It will happen. Donât give up!))
I know this is meant to be encouraging. Talking to someone struggling to get pregnant is an uncomfortable situation for a lot of people, but the reality is that not everyone who sets out to do fertility treatments will end up with a baby. Not everyone who sets out to adopt will take home a child.
10. ((Everything happens for a reason.))
No, there will never be a good reason why the one thing I want most in the world isnât happening to me. There will never be a reason why I am barren while seeing my other friends and family be blessed with their babies.
11. ((You'll never know what love is like until you have kids.))
Actually, that's not true at all. I knew what love was the first time I experienced it 20+ years ago! I've loved plenty in my life, and many love me too. It's a wonderful gift!
12. ((It took me five months to get pregnant. I know how you feel.))
No, you donât. But thanks anyway.
13. ((You'll never truly understand the world until you have children of your own!))
What a thing to say to someone who is infertile. But I, for one; do not base my understanding of the world on whether I have kids or not. You shouldn't either. People who say this fail to recognize the fact that we were all children once. Weâve already lived through it.
14. ((But you would be such a great mother.)) I know I would. And thank you. But what if I never have that opportunity? Would that make me any less of a person? I think not.
15. ((Being infertile at 30 is not normal.))
I was 24 when we started realizing things were wrong. Being young has nothing to do with struggling for a baby. Itâs a myth that only older women experience infertility, but there are a ton of reasons young women can struggle. Therefore, your statement is inaccurate.
16. ((Don't wait until your 40 to have your one and only child.))
I know a few ladies who have had babies in their 40s and successfully raised their kids. One of them had PCOS like me, and she was married for 22 years and got pregnant out of the blue at 42 with a healthy boy and then got pregnant again at 45! She suddenly started ovulating! Miracles happen!
And another who became a mother at 42! She told me: "I have to say, Sonya: I wouldnât change one thing!" Jesus knows when we are to be a mama and we have to hold on and believe! It will be your testimony!
There is nothing wrong with having babies in your 40âs! Many women have done it!
17. ((Is there something wrong with you....physically?))
If there is, maybe it might be too personal for me to talk about. Even if there wasn't, why would it matter? This is only a personal question that a mother, a family member, or doctor should be asking. Not a friend.
18. ((When are you going to give me a grandchild? When are you going to have a baby?))
No pressure or anything. Really, youâre not helping anything with this comment except to make that person feel like one giant failure. Also, if I were pregnant, Iâd keep it to myself until the baby was ready to be born.
19. ((If you don't have children, your husband will leave you for someone who can have one.))
Nothing can be any more untrue for me. When we were going through all the Dr's appointments I looked at Rich and said..it would have been better that you married another girl..she would have given you kids. The look on his face I will never forget. He told me to never say that again he loves me and he didn't want another girl. It broke my heart even more!
With a supportive husband and Jesus on my side I have it made! So I just have to keep praying and hold on to my promise! God is always faithful!
20. ((But who is going to take care of you when you're old?))
Kids aren't made for that, although in some scenarios we do see that. I'll be taken care of one way or the other. Depending on God!
((I genuinely do not care if individuals wish to stop having children and terminate their lineages. I am concerned about how the rest of us will handle you when you slide into an aging psychosis and demand that we all feel your suffering. You are burdening our already-stressed medical system, being disabled.))
First off, this is a downlright cruel thing to say to a woman without children. Do you not think there could be another reason why one might be without children in her old age? Besides abortion or contraceptives? Like infirtility? Disease? How about scenarios where her children may have died? Or lived in a different state or country and could not be there to care for her? But oh, that doesn't matter, does it? And what are women like me in for if people with this mentality take over the medical system? I will tell you exactly what is waiting for you. They'll pull the cord on you faster than you can say "Barry Obama". They'll be the first ones to say ((who cares about that old frail woman sitting on the incubator? She doesn't have any children to take care of her, so lets get rid of her. We don't need her!)) That's what they'll say. Welcome to the new brainwashed generation. Welcome to a new culture that embraces euthanasia, just as the Nazis did.
I could only imagine if these same women who make these statements are faced with the same problem when they are old. Then complain how they have been done wrong by the system.
I would like to point out that there are numerous people with kids who are on the welfare system, right now. People who are overwhelming our welfare system are more numberous than the ones supporting it because they continue to bring babies into this world they cannot take care of or provide for. Why don't you lecture them about how they are overwhelming the system? But that's perfectly fine, right? Let them overwhelm the system instead. Do you see inconsistency of your argument?
I have been a part of the working class for quite sometime, and without people like me, who are of the working class and cannot get help from the government (that we genuinely need) because we "make too much money"; where would the money for those welfare checks come from? Who is going to pay for them? If we don't, I'll tell you what will happen: there will be kids that will starve to death.
Woman to woman:
Stop putting other women down. Don't judge them hypocritically by telling them that you don't respect them because they don't meet your expectations, or society's expectations. We got to stick together! There is enough nonsense out there working against us. We don't need to turn on each other. And ageism especially for women is the enemy!
21. ((Eggs of bad quality are not normal.))
Not everyone who suffers from infertility is because they have "bad eggs". There are a number of things that can cause infertility to happen.
Some people suffer from a thing called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). It is a condition in which the ovaries produce an abnormal amount of androgens, male sex hormones that are usually present in women in small amounts. The name polycystic ovary syndrome describes the numerous small cysts (fluid-filled sacs) that form in the ovaries.
This was something I almost died from 8 years ago! Thank God for the surgeons who helped save my life!
22. ((Infertility is an abnormal thing in the modern world because of toxins. I think it's more dependent on lifestyle and diet than we realize.))
And they say infertility is a result of "Not taking care of yourself" because of "poor diets" and "toxins" Have you seen some of these pregnant women, the things they consume? I'm here with my gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, organic diet asking myself.... why me? Why???
After all, toxins are brought to you by a bad diet right? Yet toxins are all around us everyday, even in our so called "organic foods". What can we eat that is not bad for us nowadays? This could come across as; (("You aren't getting pregnant because you aren't taking care of yourself enough or eating right")) (little do they know the strict diet I eat every day). Have you seen these mothers who are pregnant and eating the most unhealthy diet you can imagine? I have. And lets not forget, infertility isn't just a modern day thing.
Let's look at some examples of women that have gone through this in history: that aren't in the modern-day era. There were women in the Bible who suffered from the same problem for different reasons. But they were still granted those little miracles. Elizabeth (Mary's cousin), for example; was infertile nearly her entire life until she reached old age. Of course, you know; Elizabeth became the mother of John the Baptist.
Also, we can talk about Sarah (mother of Isaac), Rachel (mother of Joseph), and Hannah (mother of Samuel). These were women in the Bible who were barren. So this whole myth that infertility is an "abnormal" modern-day sickness because of toxins is an incorrect assumption.
Never look down on a woman going through this, guys. Because it can be a very painful thing to endure.
23. ((Donât gossip about your friendâs condition or rub it in their faces on social media.))
For some, infertility treatments are a very private matter, which is why you should respect your friendâs privacy.
24. ((I don't know of anybody whoâs infertile in their 30s in my fam.))
Really? Just because it didn't happen in your family doesn't mean it's not a legitimate experience. And I'm not alone. Women all over the world have experienced this pain as well as countless women throughout history. Get your head out of the sand!
25. ((You better have a baby before you get too old.))
Know the facts. Though it is recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year, and being young increases your chance of fertility treatments working, it does not mean you cannot have children later in life.
26. ((Why haven't you tried IVF?))
Please don't ask. Most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial.
27. ((If you're a 30 to 40 something with no children, your opinion means nothing.))
I've seen this comment floating around on social media. So, Iâm seeing a lot of bashing of older women without children: disqualifying them from having a say or opinion on certain matters or looking down on them.
Failing to realize that motherhood may not be an option for all of them!
So sick of trads pushing this idea that mothers and those who've had children are the only ones who are allowed to have an opinion on something or that their voices are the only ones that should be heard!
We should also consider that the ability to have children does not determine our value as women or our understanding of the world.
28. ((Maybe God doesnât intend for you to be a mother.))
Donât say they are not meant to be parents. This is one of the cruelest things you could ever say to someone. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
29. ((Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.))
Donât minimize the problem. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain.
30. ((Is it his fault or yours?))
Donât ask whose âfaultâ it is. Male or female factor. Just because a friend has told you he or she is experiencing infertility as a couple, does not mean he or she wants to discuss the details.
If you feel disrespected by any comments that you receive from said "friends" it's ok to be vocal about it. Here is what I would say:
Dear friends:
If you see another friend who is suffering the pain of infertility and you want to help them: saying: "Your issues are not normal" doesn't help. And if you truly loved them and consider them a friend then come from a place of understanding first before talking down to them as if it's their fault. Actually, these issues are quite prominent in the world, both past, and present. So please be considerate of these things when speaking to them.
Just love them and support them. Donât talk down to them. Get the internet and you will see that itâs not âabnormalâ! It is more prominent than you can realize.
Instead, try one of these responses:
âThis must be so stressful for you.â
âIâm here if you want to talk about it.â
âIâm so sorry youâre going through this. This sucks.â
This is a crappy thing you have to go through. How can I help?â
Iâm hoping so much this works for you.â
âI hate this for you.â
âThis must be so hard.â
âI donât know what youâre going through, but Iâd love to hear more about your journey if you want to talk about it.â
Nothing at all.
Hereâs the bottom line: Advice and empty platitudes = bad. Support and love = good. It can be so hard knowing what to say to something struggling with infertility when you donât know what theyâre going through. Luckily, there are a ton of resources online that can help navigate how you can best support that person in your life. When you canât find the words, just tell them this sucks and youâre there for them. Theyâll appreciate it more than you know.
Iâm not saying we shouldnât count motherhood as success. But this kind of âflexâ is wrong. A woman with no children or a woman with one child or a woman with 12 children is still a successful woman if she loves and serves the Lord.
Being without children in your late 30s while watching your younger friends and relatives start their own families. It has been more disheartening than I can express. Being empty-handed and not knowing what the future holds. Years of fighting this long & difficult battle of 'feeling sorry for myself' because my life isn't like most women's lives. But I have to make a choice. Acceptance with joy, or be depressed, sad, and miserable. If this is what God wants, I'm willing to accept it. Even if it leaves me with a broken heart. Even if I never get a chance to experience what most women can. Even if I never have a chance to become a biological mom, you know what; that's ok.
I still have a family that loves me on earth and in heaven. I have someone who is by my side and has stuck with me through the storms of life. But what if that were to go away, too? This is why I cannot lose sight of fixing my eyes on Jesus through the storms. He was and is the only thing that has kept me going in this life. And he is the one that will bring me through. What do I have to lose? All that matters has already come true, he redeemed me for his purpose. That's ALL that will matter in the end. Not whether or not one is married. Not whether or not one has children. Not riches. Not the cares of this life. Only his purpose. That's all that matters.
Every person is different, and every life is different. Don't compare your circumstances with someone else's. God bless!
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